Too Far From Home to Go Back Now
I never really thought of this trip as a vacation as much as a necessary, dare I say mandatory, part of my journey. That’s not to say it isn’t going to be beautiful or fun it’s just that I had a sense I was closing in on some significant lessons in relation to my soul’s calling that would culminate on my journey. Which is the long way of saying I’m going to grow and growth isn’t always comfortable or pretty.
While I was aware of that from the moment I agreed to go, I never fathomed I’d be getting into ‘it’ on day one of my trip. But hey I’m not one for small talk or easing into things so thanks for getting to the point, universe.
By the end of my first day in Greece I’m beginning to see how some of the dots connect. I’m currently meeting up with beliefs that have prevented me from realizing one of my deepest desires - to trust and feel (as much of the time as possible) the unconditional love of source which I know to be my life’s calling.
After a morning of sightseeing and afternoon of aimless wandering under the bluest sky I was in heaven. I had lived a near perfect day on my terms. One minute the most pressing issue was deciding where I would go for dinner and the next I was gasping for air and sobbing at the thought of having to say goodbye to my grandmother’s earthly form after learning she’d had a stroke and not regained consciousness since.
I wish I didn’t have favorites, people that is, but I do. I consider a part of my life’s work practicing loving everyone - from all corners of the earth, no matter how wacky their beliefs or how nasty their deeds - and I’m not perfect at it, but I’m practicing.
But then there are some people who it is just as easy as breathing to love.
Now, it's not a short list and more and more people are being added to it all the time as I do my work of realizing, acknowledging and releasing beliefs I hold that serve to separate me from “the others” but Nana Moo Moo was one of my first favorites.
Sure, she had the advantage of being one of the first people to ever meet me and I did arrive earthside in a pretty cute package (so did you) but the love she showed me always stood out as something special, something rare.
Some might say that’s in a grandmother’s job description to love her grandkids unconditionally and while I think it is a truly honorable and beautiful aspiration, I also think that statement over simplifies life. I don’t think that it's fair to mandate someone loves another all the time if they aren’t yet able to love themselves. Basically, we can’t hold anyone’s conditional loving against them because we’re all conditional lovers (AKA human) when our own pain and fear get the better of us.
I’ve always been ashamed that I had favorite people, but I’m sharing this with you because I finally got curious about it enough to do some digging. As I’m putting into words how it feels to be in relationship with her it's starting to make sense.
Nana never wanted anything from me - sometimes to a fault - and she always, always, always wanted me to be happy. She told me that multiple times on our last phone call while I was waiting to board my flight to Athens. It was clear from day one that there was nothing I needed to do for her to love me more and nothing I could do that would make her love me less. That was what made her love different.
I can’t remember ever being reprimanded by her - not because I was the perfect angel child - but because in her eyes there was nothing I could ever do to stop her love from flowing in my direction, even temporarily.
As a result of that I never felt the same way in relation to her as I did to other caretakers. I always wanted to make her job of watching my brother and I easy because she gave me what I wanted most. Her ability to see me and my brother the way the source of all does created this incredible dynamic between the three of us which is why once I got the details on her condition he was the first person I video called.
We looked at each other through our little screens for a few moments in silence, crying as we saw the pain we felt reflected back.
Once we began to chat he said, “Ria, this is a part of your trip. It happened on the very first day, you shouldn’t come home.” and in that moment I knew deep in me that it was true.
I’m beginning to see why this happened now, on my very first day abroad. If I am on a journey to loving wholeness like I claim and the one, biggest thing standing in my way is how quickly I forget how deeply and completely I am loved what better way to be forced to reach deeper into the truth than to come face to face with the pain that surfaces when my mind tricks me into believing that love or people can be lost, that death is an end, and that we are anything less than eternal.
Thank you for being a part of my journey. It is my sincere wish that you can allow in the unconditional love that flows to you. Here’s to opening up to greater love, together.