Why I Went to Bali: The Previously Untold Version

It was the morning after one of the most painful and vulnerable arguments we’ve ever had. I’d said something that hurt Derek the night before and although we’d used the late hours of the night to work through the web of issues that had been triggered for each of us he decided after we’d made up that he wanted some space and would sleep on the couch for the night.

With the bed all to myself I plopped down right in the middle and cocooned myself in the white summer comforter surrounded by our pillows. I was pretending I was enjoying being alone. As crazy as it sounds now, I thought I could spite him if I could be happy without him. That kind of thinking is indicative of some definite confusion.

The sting of regret, defensiveness, shame and frustration was still lingering and I couldn’t fall asleep. The issue at hand was one that I’ve been getting in trouble for since I was a kid, basically since I could talk. How could I have done it again?

Instead of trying in vain to fall asleep I rolled over and reached for my copy of the Gene Keys, an incredible and fascinating book written to help us evolve using the very blueprints present in our DNA, and flipped to a random page to see what was waiting for me within.

I turned to page 425 where the explanation of the 55th gene key began. As it ALWAYS happens I opened to exactly what I needed to read in that moment. The 55th key discusses the shadow of victimization juxtaposed against the gift of freedom. As I read it became so clear that in this particular situation with Derek and in my life in general I was holding the keys to my own cage and complaining about being locked in. Reading through the 55th key was sobering and by the end of it something in me settled. I was met with relief and some hope, I turned off the light and drifted off to sleep in the middle of the bed.

The next morning Derek peeked into our room and woke me up. I could feel that my eyes were still puffy from the night before as I squinted through the morning light. He flashed me a cute smile from behind the door and then dove into bed next to me. It seemed that the space and sleep had been what he needed, but I on the other hand, was still feeling frustrated, annoyed with myself and stuck in the residue of the previous night’s heavy emotions. 

I resisted his sweetness and attempts to cheer me up while keeping a smug grimace up and hoped my eyes wouldn’t betray me like they always do. It wasn’t long before they did and I started talking. For the first time I was able to admit to the emptiness I was feeling, the obscurity. I told him how I felt like I had no life outside of him and our small circle of friends, how I noticed that I’ve become co-dependent and that I felt like I was a caged bird while sitting in our apartment. One with few interests and a smoldering passion for life that I knew used to burn so much brighter. Although all of this had risen to the surface of conscious awareness I still had no idea what to do about it or how to change things and that was the most frustrating part. 

He listened intently like he always does and after I finished he paused for a few moments before asking if I’ve ever traveled alone before. 

“Does flying alone count?”, I asked.

“No, haha.” he said.

“Then, no,” I replied.

He followed with, “I think it could be very good for you, for us.” 

I nodded in silent agreement, bracing myself for what was coming next. 

“Where would you go?”, he asked.

“Greece and Bali.” was my response without any hesitation.

I had wanted to go to Greece for years to progress in my Yin Teacher Training under Biff Mitheofer and the week before I found myself texting Derek that I just wanted to go to Bali instead of to work. At the time I wasn’t quite sure where that part had come from but since it surfaced twice I trusted it. 

The next thing I knew we were looking up the dates of the Yin training near Athens and googling flights. When I asked if I could actually go, Derek’s answer was a spirited, “Yes!”

I was thrilled and terrified simultaneously. Then the barrage of negative thoughts hit me like a tsunami. “What will people think? What about work? What about the money? What about the wedding?”

Derek had answers for all of my questions, good ones. The most memorable of the lot was his response to “What will people think, my parents, your parents?” to which he wisely replied, “If that’s what’s stopping you then you definitely need to go.”

Once I was convinced he was sure about this I knew that it was time to look to the real keeper of my chains. If he was okay with me taking the trip I wanted desperately to take and I couldn’t be okay with it I would remain the victim of my own completely self inflicted prison, reaching through the bars for someone else to set me free in vain until God only knows when. 

In that moment I silently acknowledged that this series of events had turned me around in my cage to face the open door and now it was up to me to step through. With this much support I had no choice, I couldn’t let my fear hold me inside any longer. 

“Yes, I’m going.”

And we celebrated with shrieks of giddy laughter, bouncing on our comfy couch, laptops open to Google Flights.